Castro Death Watch Exclusive: partial draft of Cuban ballot

Funnies, Politics 1 Response »
Jan 232008

Castro Death Watch has obtained a piece of a draft copy of the ballot used in Cuba’s recent “election,” below. We say a “piece” because it was smuggled out of the island nation by a desperately hungry balsero who ate a large portion of it. The remaining portion includes notes and proofreading marks from Fidel and Raul Castro, as well as voting instructions and the most important races.

C U B A N   E L E C T I O N S   2 0 0 8
OFFICIAL STATE BALLOT
 
INSTRUCTIONS–Follow the instructions carefully. Any deviation from these instructions will result in an act of repudiation against you or imprisonment.

  1. You can only vote for the candidates listed on this ballot. In fact, you MUST vote for the candidates listed on this ballot. No skipping any races allowed.
  2. Because of a shortage of paper and ink as a result of the illegal imperialist Yankee blockade by George W. Bush against Cuba, you must share this ballot with 1,000 other voters. That means you must all vote the same. Or else.

    3. (FC: Be sure to specify something particularly scary for the “Or else” part, like being sent to the Combinado del Este prison where prisoners subsist on a diet of one tablespoon of rice and beans daily, supplemented by all-you-can-eat “special” proteins [cockroaches, flies, maggots and rodent droppings])

  3. Because of a shortage of pens, ink and pencils as a result of the illegal imperialist Yankee blockade by George W. Bush against Cuba, you must mark your ballot with a dirt smudge, using your fingertip

    4. (RC: Fidel, this will allow us to note the fingerprints of anyone failing to follow the instructions, so we can arrest them more easily)
    (FC: Good idea, Raul. And here I had always thought     you were the stupid one in the family!)

  4. No write-in candidates. Any attempt to write in the name of some imperialist Yankee mercenary traitor not listed on the ballot will result in a minimum ten (10) year prison sentence.
  5. Damaging this ballot in any way will result in imprisonment.
  6. Failing to vote at all will result in imprisonment.

(FC: Raul, be sure to call those useful idiots at the Carter Center so they show up in time to certify the election results.)
(RC: Should we invite Jimmy to dinner this time?)
(FC: Nah, let him offer to treat us, that way he pays for dinner.)
(RC: Great idea!)

Dictator Caudillo Tyrant Gluteus Maximus President of the Council of Ministers (FC: Very funny, Mr. ex-proofreader. Ten years at Combinado del Este prison for you for that attempt at humor!)
Choose ONE (1):
______ Fidel Castro Ruz
______ Fidel Ruz Castro
______ Zur Ortsac Ledif
______ Raul Castro
(FC: Very funny, Raul.)
(RC: Aw, come on Fidel, you promised you’d let me run for President if I stopped wearing drag in public!)
(FC: Over my dead body!)
(RC: You know that can be arranged…)
(FC: You mean the doctor that first operated on me? HA! He’s enjoying his new 6 by 6 cell right now!)

Queen Tinkerbell Princess WorstFirst Vice President of the Council of Ministers (FC: Prison for you, too, Mr. replacement proofreader. Only I am allowed to make fun of my brother!)
______ Raul Castro Ruz
______ Ruz Castro Raul
______ RuPaul Castro (FC: Funny, Raul)
(RC: Who said I was joking? You better work, work it girl…)
(FC: Keep it up and I’ll revoke that temporary power I granted you and give it to that fat slob Michael Moore instead!)

*** [A big bite-shaped piece of the draft ballot is missing here, the rest of the draft ballot continues] ***

Head Weasel Chief Ratfink Minister of Foreign Affairs
(FC: Another proofreader who thinks he’s a comedian. I’m sure you won’t find your five years in prison funny, you capitalist lackey and saboteur!)
______ Felipe Pérez Roque
______ Felipe Pérez Rockhead (FC: Raul, these proofreaders, where are they coming from? Some bourgeois comedy club? At this rate, our prisons will be the only things in Cuba that are full!)
______ Felipe Roque Pérez
______ Roque Pérez, Felipe

You have finished voting. Remember you must share this ballot with 999 other voters, thanks to the illegitimate blockade from Washington that has left the Cuban people without paper and ink. Never mind that we always find plenty of both to publish that propaganda rag, Granma.

(FC: You though we would let this one slip by, you fool? I might need someone to wipe me when I go potty, but I can still read with my own eyes!)

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Posted by Castro Death Watch at 10:23 pm

I like the headline…

Castro Is Dead, Politics Comments Off
Jan 192008

“Vote may hasten Castro reign’s end:”

‘My basic duty is not to cling to office and even less to obstruct the path of younger people, but to pass on the experiences and ideas whose modest worth stems from the exceptional era in which I have lived,” Castro said in a letter to the Cuban people in December.

This week, Castro wrote that he’s too sick to speak directly to his constituents, which further fueled speculation that one of the world’s longest-serving rulers was ready to pass on the torch.

”It’s really unheard of in the annals of history to have a temporary head of state for that long,” said Mauricio Font, who heads the Bildner Center for Western Hemisphere Studies in New York. “It’s getting to be a bit bizarre. Cuba must be a really weird place right now, because nobody really knows what’s going on.”

Cuba’s been a weird place for 48 years, Mr. Font, all because of a bearded tyrant who should’ve stopped his “cling to office” and “pass on the torch” ages ago. Ages.

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Posted by Castro Death Watch at 7:35 pm

To the rest of us, those with common sense and brains,

Castro Is Dead, Politics, Raul Castro Comments Off
Dec 302007

it IS nepotism:

Cuba’s ailing leader Fidel Castro has defended naming his brother Raul to stand in for him last year, saying no one in the communist country’s national assembly saw it as nepotism.

Of course no one in Cuba’s national disassembly sees Raul Castro taking over for brother Fidel as nepotism. Fidel himself told them it isn’t nepotism so it’s not! Boy am I ever so glad THAT’s settled!

At least the cadaver-in-chief makes a rare admission in that Yahoo! News/AFP article quoted above:

“There was a stage when I thought I knew what had to be done and I wanted the power to do it,” he admitted, saying it was due to “an excess of youthfulness and deficit of conscience.”

Memo to the Castro brothers: you and the rest of your cabal have been suffering from a “deficit of conscience” since at least 1959.

No, scratch that. You have been enjoying this “deficit of conscience.” The only ones suffering from your “deficit of conscience” are the Cuban people.

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Posted by Castro Death Watch at 1:48 am

Venezuela “Just Says Freaking NO!” to Hugo

Castro Is Dead, Castro's Fellow Travelers, Chavez - Venezuela, Politics Comments Off
Dec 032007

In case you missed it, Fidel Castro’s hand-puppet Hugo Chavez got punked at the ballot box by Venezuelans who voted against a proposal that would’ve made him dictator president dictator nearly for life. The proposal would’ve also given a “full-steam ahead” to a number of socialist measures.

The proposal was narrowly beaten. Surprisingly, Chavez admitted defeat. Close results like the ones for this proposal (51-49) usually give leftists an excuse to claim election fraud and the like. In fact, Chavez himself had threatened that if the U.S. had tried to meddle in the election, he would cut off oil supplies to us. What a moron.

Anyway, my Dolphins may have lost yesterday but at least so did Hugo!

Oh, and in other dictator-ish, sham election news, Fidel Castro was nominated as a candidate for Cuba’s joke of a National Assembly. This is just a pro forma move by the communist government to show it follows its own “rules” (whatever they may be) in re-perpetuating and regurgitating Castro’s dictatorship.

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Posted by Castro Death Watch at 8:25 am

Where do I start?

Bush, Politics Comments Off
Oct 232007

This story has sooooo many problems with it… my comments in italics:

Fidel Castro wrote Tuesday that President Bush is threatening the world with nuclear war and famine…

As opposed to you and Che, who wanted to nuke America during the missile crisis? Oh, and speaking of famine, how’s that rationing program going, Fidel?

…The brief essay titled “Bush, Hunger and Death”…

Yep, you know plenty about hunger and death Fidel. That’s what you’ve been giving Cuba for 48 years.

…Cuba staged municipal elections on Sunday…

“Staged” being the operative word.

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Posted by Castro Death Watch at 9:57 pm

Tragically funny

Politics Comments Off
Oct 222007

I don’t know what’s funnier, the MSM taking Castro’s propaganda about Cuba’s so-called election seriously; Castro himself criticizing our elections; the so-called “election” itself where Cubans WILL vote for the candidate they’re being force fed–or else. Either way, the whole situation is funny, if you can see the irony in it all, but mostly it’s sad:

Convalescing Cuban leader Fidel Castro slammed US elections Saturday as fraud-plagued contests for millionaires, as he urged countrymen to vote in the Americas’ only one-party communist system Sunday.

“Our elections are the antithesis of those held in United States … There, first you have to be very rich, or have an enormous amount of money behind you,” said Castro, 81, who 15 months ago handed over the reins of power to his brother Raul Castro after major intestinal surgery.

Here’s what some other Cubans have to say about their so-called elections:

“It continues to be the same model of voting under a totalitarian regime which is solely interested in perpetuating itself and legitimizing itself,” said Elizardo Sanchez, a spokesman for an assembly of Cuba’s outlawed dissident groups.

AND…

Indeed, with the Cuban government’s habit of crushing dissent, “the atmosphere of intolerance and the lack of respect for freedoms and political and civil rights, make it impossible for the electoral process to be democratic,” said prominent dissident Oswaldo Paya.

AND…

“I am going to go and vote bright and early to get it over with,” a 28-year-old woman law student told AFP. “I don’t want them coming and knocking on my door, and I don’t want to end up with a record. … (but) I’m not going because I think anything is going to change,” she added.

There you go. In Cuba, people go to vote–and they can only vote for candidates approved by the Castro regime–because the regime wants to legitimize itself and if you’d rather not vote, trouble awaits you.

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Posted by Castro Death Watch at 7:42 am

How does a communist government spell “loyalty test?”

Politics, Raul Castro Comments Off
Oct 022007

And, how does a communist government spell “appearing tolerant?”

P-r-e-t-e-n-d t-o a-l-l-o-w c-r-i-t-i-c-i-s-m:

Interim President Raúl Castro has called publicly for criticism, saying that the only way to fix the country’s many problems is to air them.

But, but, but…

…skeptics say such a debate was held before, and was cut off when the onslaught of grievances was more than the government wished to discuss.

And despite Castro’s cracking open the door long shut to public criticism, there seems to be one topic that is strictly out of bounds: ending the island’s communist system.

“This is going to be public venting, not serious change,” said Alcibiades Hidalgo, a former Cuban ambassador to the United Nations and personal secretary to Castro.

“Rather than being a real inventory of problems — which they already know and don’t need — this is an exercise in political propaganda in order to put on a new, more understanding face.”

You can put lipstick on a pig…

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Posted by Castro Death Watch at 7:29 am

The rantings of Castro’s corpse

Castro Is Dead, Politics Comments Off
Sep 192007

The dead dictator Fidel Castro continues to spew from the grave:

Deliberate Lies, Strange Deaths and Aggression to the World Economy

In one of my reflections I made reference to gold bars deposited in the basements of the Twin Towers. This time the subject is quite a bit more complicated and hard to believe. Almost four decades ago scientists living in the United States discovered the Internet, the same way that Albert Einstein, born in Germany, discovered in his own time the formula to measure atomic energy.

Uh, “discovered” the Internet?????

Three comments:

  • -”Reflections?” Try “regurgitations.”
  • -”Deliberate Lies” sounds like Granma’s slogan.
  • -Everything Castro has been saying for 40-plus years is “hard to believe.”
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Posted by Castro Death Watch at 11:17 pm

School days, school days,

Castro's Fellow Travelers, Chavez - Venezuela, Politics Comments Off
Sep 182007

Chavez wants to rule days:

President Hugo Chavez threatened on Monday to take over any private schools refusing to submit to the oversight of his socialist government, a move some Venezuelans fear will impose leftist ideology in the classroom.

All Venezuelan schools, both public and private, must submit to state inspectors enforcing the new educational system. Those that refuse will be closed and nationalized, Chavez said.

A new curriculum will be phased in during this school year, and new textbooks are being developed to help educate “the new citizen,” added Chavez’s brother and education minister Adan Chavez in their televised ceremony on the first day of classes.

Just what the curriculum will include and how it will be applied to all Venezuelan schools and universities remains unclear.

But one college-level syllabus obtained by The Associated Press shows some premedical students already have a recommended reading list including Karl Marx’s Das Kapital and Fidel Castro’s speeches, alongside such traditional subjects as biology and chemistry.

So many comments, so little time:

  • -’Recommended’ reading, huh? As in, ‘We recommend you read this mindless drivel if you want to pass this class?’
  • -Imposing ‘leftist ideology in the classroom’–sounds like a lot of classrooms in the U.S., unfortunately. Except here it’s more of a sneaky thing done by leftist educators.
  • -Oh yeah, I have to finish the song: “Marxism and socialism and ‘rithmetic, taught to the tune of a hick’ry stick.”
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Posted by Castro Death Watch at 7:10 am

Janet Reno’s musical tour?

Castro's Fellow Travelers, Cuban Slavery, Media, Politics, Useful Idiots Comments Off
Sep 172007

Ew, gag. The thought of Janet Reno repulses me. Now apparently she put together a three-CD music set (of other people’s music, of course) and the MSM is once again fawning all over her.

It’s called–get ready to laugh–Song of America. Should’ve been called Song of Anti-America. They’re calling it a “musical tour.”

Here’s a tour Janet should be able to remember well:

-Miami: Police officer Grant Snowden wrongly convicted of child sexual abuse, loses 11 years of his life in prison before he could get his conviction overturned
-Waco, Texas: More than 80 Americans–including children–burned alive by the federal government
-Nationwide: 93 US Attorneys fired
-Atlanta: ruined the life of Richard Jewell by leaking his name as the Olympic Park bomber when in fact, Jewell was totally innocent
-And, back to Miami: sending armed, jackbooted thugs into an American home to rip a child out of the arms of an American citizen, for the purposes of sending said child back to a totalitarian dictator named Fidel Castro

Speaking of Elian Gonzalez, I wonder if this is going to be the cover photo for her CDs:

Janet Reno and Elian Gonzalez

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Posted by Castro Death Watch at 8:59 pm
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