Castro Death Watch Exclusive: partial draft of Cuban ballot

Castro Death Watch has obtained a piece of a draft copy of the ballot used in Cuba’s recent “election,” below. We say a “piece” because it was smuggled out of the island nation by a desperately hungry balsero who ate a large portion of it. The remaining portion includes notes and proofreading marks from Fidel and Raul Castro, as well as voting instructions and the most important races.

C U B A N   E L E C T I O N S   2 0 0 8
INSTRUCTIONS–Follow the instructions carefully. Any deviation from these instructions will result in an act of repudiation against you or imprisonment.

  1. You can only vote for the candidates listed on this ballot. In fact, you MUST vote for the candidates listed on this ballot. No skipping any races allowed.
  2. Because of a shortage of paper and ink as a result of the illegal imperialist Yankee blockade by George W. Bush against Cuba, you must share this ballot with 1,000 other voters. That means you must all vote the same. Or else.
  3. (FC: Be sure to specify something particularly scary for the “Or else” part, like being sent to the Combinado del Este prison where prisoners subsist on a diet of one tablespoon of rice and beans daily, supplemented by all-you-can-eat “special” proteins [cockroaches, flies, maggots and rodent droppings])

  4. Because of a shortage of pens, ink and pencils as a result of the illegal imperialist Yankee blockade by George W. Bush against Cuba, you must mark your ballot with a dirt smudge, using your fingertip
  5. (RC: Fidel, this will allow us to note the fingerprints of anyone failing to follow the instructions, so we can arrest them more easily)
    (FC: Good idea, Raul. And here I had always thought
    you were the stupid one in the family!)

  6. No write-in candidates. Any attempt to write in the name of some imperialist Yankee mercenary traitor not listed on the ballot will result in a minimum ten (10) year prison sentence.
  7. Damaging this ballot in any way will result in imprisonment.
  8. Failing to vote at all will result in imprisonment.

(FC: Raul, be sure to call those useful idiots at the Carter Center so they show up in time to certify the election results.)
(RC: Should we invite Jimmy to dinner this time?)
(FC: Nah, let him offer to treat us, that way he pays for dinner.)
(RC: Great idea!)

Dictator Caudillo Tyrant Gluteus Maximus President of the Council of Ministers (FC: Very funny, Mr. ex-proofreader. Ten years at Combinado del Este prison for you for that attempt at humor!)
Choose ONE (1):

______ Fidel Castro Ruz
______ Fidel Ruz Castro
______ Zur Ortsac Ledif
______ Raul Castro
(FC: Very funny, Raul.)
(RC: Aw, come on Fidel, you promised you’d let me run for President if I stopped wearing drag in public!)
(FC: Over my dead body!)
(RC: You know that can be arranged…)
(FC: You mean the doctor that first operated on me? HA! He’s enjoying his new 6 by 6 cell right now!)

Queen Tinkerbell Princess WorstFirst Vice President of the Council of Ministers (FC: Prison for you, too, Mr. replacement proofreader. Only I am allowed to make fun of my brother!)
______ Raul Castro Ruz
______ Ruz Castro Raul
______ RuPaul Castro (FC: Funny, Raul)
(RC: Who said I was joking? You better work, work it girl…)
(FC: Keep it up and I’ll revoke that temporary power I granted you and give it to that fat slob Michael Moore instead!)

*** [A big bite-shaped piece of the draft ballot is missing here, the rest of the draft ballot continues] ***

Head Weasel Chief Ratfink Minister of Foreign Affairs
(FC: Another proofreader who thinks he’s a comedian. I’m sure you won’t find your five years in prison funny, you capitalist lackey and saboteur!)
______ Felipe Pérez Roque
______ Felipe Pérez Rockhead (FC: Raul, these proofreaders, where are they coming from? Some bourgeois comedy club? At this rate, our prisons will be the only things in Cuba that are full!)
______ Felipe Roque Pérez
______ Roque Pérez, Felipe

You have finished voting. Remember you must share this ballot with 999 other voters, thanks to the illegitimate blockade from Washington that has left the Cuban people without paper and ink. Never mind that we always find plenty of both to publish that propaganda rag, Granma.

(FC: You though we would let this one slip by, you fool? I might need someone to wipe me when I go potty, but I can still read with my own eyes!)


SS Fidel Castro, a sinking ship

I heard about this one on Babalu Blog. It seems a website known as “The Spoof” has published an “article” about Fidel Castro’s first-ever cruise ship. Here’s a snippet:

The new ship which is the pride of the Cuban nation is a bit unusual in that it is made up of 10,000 inner tubes all tied together with twine. Its method of propulsion is the legs of the passengers who move in perfectly disciplined synchronization to the sound of a salsa band in order to get from point A to point B.


Maybe Castro isn’t dead yet after all

I may have been premature when I said Castro is already dead. I mean, a dead person surely can’t be so delusional as to believe the 9/11 conspiracy theories, or this:

Fidel Castro claims Cuba’s government saved the life of President Reagan by giving American officials information about an assassination plot in 1984.

The essay published Wednesday in the Communist Party newspaper Granma appeared to be the first time Cuba has made the claim. It seemed aimed at showing Cuba has cooperated with the United States in the past.

Castro, who has not appeared in public for more than a year, wrote that a Cuban security official stationed at the United Nations told the then U.S. mission security chief about an extreme right-wing group that was planning to kill Reagan during a trip to North Carolina. He did not say how Cuba obtained the information.

A right-wing group was going to kill Reagan? Sure, Fidel, sure. This “article” did inspire me to create a list of other events and things the delusional dictator Castro is bound to take credit for now in his doddering old age:

  • Keeping the U.S. free of terror attacks after 9/11
  • Saving President Clinton from assassination by a left-wing group
  • Convincing the Chinese to stop using lead paint on toys
  • Keeping the Minnesota bridge incident from being worse than it could’ve been
  • Saving us from a John Kerry presidency

Add your own ideas by posting a comment to this post.


What are they gonna do, upgrade their MiG jet fighters…

so they can shoot down unarmed Cessna turboprops, not just twin-engine models?

Cuba has been upgrading its military arsenal since President Fidel Castro fell ill 13 months ago, to defend itself against a possible US invasion, senior officers told Trabajadores weekly on Monday.

Har, har, har! That’s a good one!


Castro is “fine”

So says his parrot, Felipe Perez Roque. The fact that Castro’s lackeys have to deny his death tells me he’s probably already roasting at very high temperatures.

In any event, Perez Rockhead’s “Castro ‘is fine'” comment has inspired me to write the following song parody, based on the Beatles’ “I Feel Fine.” Imagine Perez Rockhead serenading Fifo’s corpse with it…

Fifo’s one dead duck, you know,
He’s stiff as a board can be, you know,
The doctor said so.
Even though he’s dead, I must say he’s fine.
Fifo’s carcass is embalmed, you know,
Saw it myself one time, you know,
And I cried so.
Even though he’s gone, I say he’s fine.
I’m so sad, his corpse is getting cold.
I’m lying to everyone, saying he’s fine to all the world.
Because Fifo’s really kaput, you know.
He flatlined a real long time ago,
Raul said so.
Fifo is worm food but I said he’s fine.
Fifo’s pushing up daisies, so never mind.
Fifo’s room temperature, but I said he’s fine, mmm.