Castro Death Watch Exclusive: partial draft of Cuban ballot

Castro Death Watch has obtained a piece of a draft copy of the ballot used in Cuba’s recent “election,” below. We say a “piece” because it was smuggled out of the island nation by a desperately hungry balsero who ate a large portion of it. The remaining portion includes notes and proofreading marks from Fidel and Raul Castro, as well as voting instructions and the most important races.

C U B A N   E L E C T I O N S   2 0 0 8
INSTRUCTIONS–Follow the instructions carefully. Any deviation from these instructions will result in an act of repudiation against you or imprisonment.

  1. You can only vote for the candidates listed on this ballot. In fact, you MUST vote for the candidates listed on this ballot. No skipping any races allowed.
  2. Because of a shortage of paper and ink as a result of the illegal imperialist Yankee blockade by George W. Bush against Cuba, you must share this ballot with 1,000 other voters. That means you must all vote the same. Or else.
  3. (FC: Be sure to specify something particularly scary for the “Or else” part, like being sent to the Combinado del Este prison where prisoners subsist on a diet of one tablespoon of rice and beans daily, supplemented by all-you-can-eat “special” proteins [cockroaches, flies, maggots and rodent droppings])

  4. Because of a shortage of pens, ink and pencils as a result of the illegal imperialist Yankee blockade by George W. Bush against Cuba, you must mark your ballot with a dirt smudge, using your fingertip
  5. (RC: Fidel, this will allow us to note the fingerprints of anyone failing to follow the instructions, so we can arrest them more easily)
    (FC: Good idea, Raul. And here I had always thought
    you were the stupid one in the family!)

  6. No write-in candidates. Any attempt to write in the name of some imperialist Yankee mercenary traitor not listed on the ballot will result in a minimum ten (10) year prison sentence.
  7. Damaging this ballot in any way will result in imprisonment.
  8. Failing to vote at all will result in imprisonment.

(FC: Raul, be sure to call those useful idiots at the Carter Center so they show up in time to certify the election results.)
(RC: Should we invite Jimmy to dinner this time?)
(FC: Nah, let him offer to treat us, that way he pays for dinner.)
(RC: Great idea!)

Dictator Caudillo Tyrant Gluteus Maximus President of the Council of Ministers (FC: Very funny, Mr. ex-proofreader. Ten years at Combinado del Este prison for you for that attempt at humor!)
Choose ONE (1):

______ Fidel Castro Ruz
______ Fidel Ruz Castro
______ Zur Ortsac Ledif
______ Raul Castro
(FC: Very funny, Raul.)
(RC: Aw, come on Fidel, you promised you’d let me run for President if I stopped wearing drag in public!)
(FC: Over my dead body!)
(RC: You know that can be arranged…)
(FC: You mean the doctor that first operated on me? HA! He’s enjoying his new 6 by 6 cell right now!)

Queen Tinkerbell Princess WorstFirst Vice President of the Council of Ministers (FC: Prison for you, too, Mr. replacement proofreader. Only I am allowed to make fun of my brother!)
______ Raul Castro Ruz
______ Ruz Castro Raul
______ RuPaul Castro (FC: Funny, Raul)
(RC: Who said I was joking? You better work, work it girl…)
(FC: Keep it up and I’ll revoke that temporary power I granted you and give it to that fat slob Michael Moore instead!)

*** [A big bite-shaped piece of the draft ballot is missing here, the rest of the draft ballot continues] ***

Head Weasel Chief Ratfink Minister of Foreign Affairs
(FC: Another proofreader who thinks he’s a comedian. I’m sure you won’t find your five years in prison funny, you capitalist lackey and saboteur!)
______ Felipe Pérez Roque
______ Felipe Pérez Rockhead (FC: Raul, these proofreaders, where are they coming from? Some bourgeois comedy club? At this rate, our prisons will be the only things in Cuba that are full!)
______ Felipe Roque Pérez
______ Roque Pérez, Felipe

You have finished voting. Remember you must share this ballot with 999 other voters, thanks to the illegitimate blockade from Washington that has left the Cuban people without paper and ink. Never mind that we always find plenty of both to publish that propaganda rag, Granma.

(FC: You though we would let this one slip by, you fool? I might need someone to wipe me when I go potty, but I can still read with my own eyes!)


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