Mar 142007
 

I just found out that Fidel Castro wants to build an amusement park in Cuba. Insert joke here.

Let me give a hat tip to the blog Child of the Revolution, for reporting this story, and to Babalu Blog, for mentioning it and for providing me with the inspiration for the following post.
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Fidel’s “Tragic Kingdom” Theme Park

Rides/Amusements

“Shootdown”
You are the pilot of a state-of-the-art, supersonic, Mig-29 fighter jet armed with guns, rockets and missiles. You are sent on a mission to “patrol” international waters for your enemies, Brothers to the Rescue. It’s an extreme challenge as you face 150-mile per hour twin-engine Cessnas armed with paper fliers and jugs of water, as you fly at Mach 2. Your objective is to shoot down as many Cessnas as possible and brag about it to your buddies on the radio.

“Pirates of the Caribbean”
They plunder, loot, steal, rape, pillage, maraud, loot and sack islands in the Caribbean. But enough about the Castro brothers.

Che Guevara’s “El Paredon” ride
You and your friends take turns playing the roles of “executioner” and “condemned.” As “executioner,” you will arbitrarily choose political opponents to execute. You must cold heartedly ignore the desperate pleas of the “condemned’s” wives, mothers and children to achieve your objective of “Socialist purity.” If your role is the “condemned,” you will be rigged with safe Hollywood exploding “gore” packs to simulate blood and brains against the wall. Your objective is to yell out “Viva Cristo Rey, abajo comunismo (Long live Christ the King, down with communism)” or sing the Cuban national anthem before the “executioner” can complete the sentence.

“Plantados”
You are thrown into a tiny, vermin-infested cell, with straw for a mattress. Your crime: speaking out against the government. When you’re thirsty and you ask for water, guards urinate on you. If you disobey any prison rules–which are typically made up on the spot by the prison guards–guards will beat you with the flat side of a machete blade. Your objective is to go on hunger strike in the faint hope Amnesty International or Human Rights Watch will take note of your plight and fight for your release.

“Scavenger Hunt”
You will spend an entire day trying to scrounge enough food to supply yourself and your family with one meal. You can risk using the black market or other illegal activities to obtain food, but look out: if you’re caught, you will be sent to jail.

“Journalism 101″
Your objective is to write and disseminate articles critical of the government. But you are not given any tools to work with. You must manage to find writing implements and either a fax machine or internet access to get your dispatches out to the world. Avoid getting caught by government forces before sending out your articles, though.

World Showcase: Angola
Ride along as we show you the story of Juan Jose Ramirez, a teenager drafted into Castro’s army and forced to “serve” in Angola. Watch as his friends are slaughtered in ambush and Juan contracts AIDS, is sent back home to Cuba, put into an isolated “AIDS colony” and eventually dies.

Carousel of “Progress”
Watch the five decades of Cuba’s socialist “progress:”
-The 60′s: Castro consolidates his power, executes, jails or exiles opponents
-The 70′s: Waves of repression throughout the island as the economy is propped up by the Soviet Union’s subsidies
-The 80′s: The Mariel Boatlift is followed by a hard line from the U.S. as Reagan conservatism spreads
-The 90′s: the “Special Period” of extreme shortage and privation takes hold after the collapse of the Soviet Union and the end of Russia’s “sugar daddy” relationship with Castro
-The 2000′s: Sexual tourism and de facto slavery become the bread and butter of the national economy, as a new form of apartheid takes shape in Cuba, where everyday Cubans are prohibited from enjoying facilities built only for foreign tourists

¡Azucar!
No, this attraction is not about Celia Cruz. You are “volunteered” for weekend duty during the sugar cane harvest. Your objective is to show your socialist dedication by harvesting as much sugar cane as you can. Get a free annual pass if you manage to do it without hacking off your or someone else’s limbs with your machete!

It’s Fidel’s Hell, After All
Modeled after Disney’s It’s a Small World and 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea rides. Grab some old inner tubes, rotting two-by-fours and pieces of styrofoam and plastic to create your own raft. Take your family or go solo on a simulated 90-mile voyage across the Florida Straits’ shark-infested waters. Avoid the Cuban Coast Guard (they’ll shoot you or ram your boat) and the U.S. Coast Guard (they’ll send you back to the starting line where you’ll have to start over again). Paddle through the water as you sing along:

It’s Fidel’s Hell, After All (sing to the tune of “It’s a Small World”)

It’s a hellish nightmare, of dread and fear
Where the sons are slaughtered, to mothers’ tears
There’s so much misery,
And governmental tyranny,
It’s Fidel’s hell, after all

CHORUS
It’s Fidel’s hell, after all,
11 million waiting for his fall,
Cubans everywhere will have a ball
When Fidel’s gone, after all

There is just one Party, with all the guns
And if you’re no member, you’ll have no fun.
The Florida Straits are wide,
A 90-mile raft trip to the free side,
It’s Fidel’s hell, after all

CHORUS
It’s Fidel’s hell, after all,
Political prisoners in cells that are too small,
11 million Cubans with their backs against the wall,
It’s Fidel’s hell, after all

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